E-Crip-Ment Review: Heavenly Brand Acupressure Mat

Hello, this is One Little Cripple radioing in from the Land of the Crooked Spine. Yep -- I'm talking scoliosis. Most everybody with a spastic form of CP has it, it seems. SCO-lee-OH-sus, e-i, e-i, OH-sus, e-i, e-i, OW.

Okay, enough singing. My spine doth protest. Apparently singing hurts it, as does, let's see ... sitting, standing, walking, breathing, blinking, and pretty much anything that involves any kind of movement or state of existence whatsoever. (Alright, so that was hyperbole. Sue me. My inner poet is awake and frolicking about the room, acting all silly.)

But really, it does feel like blinking hurts sometimes when your spine has a better curve than some roller coasters can boast of. When I was a kid, the surgeon talked about putting me in traction for awhile to make it grow straight. Boy, I was glad my mother said no back then, but these days I almost wish she'd said yes. The Land of the Crooked Spine is not a fun place to be.

Recently, I've started looking into alternative treatments for my back pain. I could run a pharmacy out of my medicine cabinet already; I don't want any more pills unless I'll shrivel up and die without 'em. So first I tried these stretches where you get down on the floor and pretend to be a cat: dip your spine and hold; arch your spine and hold. When I'm all arched up like that, I like to narrow my eyes and hiss at the real cat, 'coz it freaks him out.

Then I added a corset brace -- you know, one of those things that goes on like a shirt and fastens across the front? It worked fine for about a month, and then it hit I'm-a-miserable-failure status and it's been there ever since. The Velcro wore out. The thing was white, so it got all dingy and gross-looking, too. And then the bottom part started folding up in the front like some kind of demented window shade. Really? Really. It was too much. Bye, bye, back brace.

So then I bought an acupressure mat. For those of you who may not know what acupressure is, it's basically acupuncture without the needles. There are sharp things involved, but no actual puncturing goes on.

Anyhow, I read up on how acupressure is supposed to help realign things in your body and what a great, non-medicine form of pain relief it is, and I was hurtin' so bad I said, "What the hell," and ordered one.

Heavenly brand Acupressure Mat - Blue then entered my life. Over 8,000 sharp, toothy little points of pain. What? Yes. 8,000 little plastic spikes on which I recline for 10 minutes each day. And you know what? It's worth it. This thing really works! My spine hurts less! At first I thought it was just some kind of extended relief phenomenon I was feeling from rolling off the whole bed-of-nails sensation -- you know, like 9 hours later I'm still going, Thank God that's over. But then I started getting used to the stabby feeling, and finding ways to lessen it -- first time users should put a sheet over it before lying down; it's not as intense that way -- and I'm still in less pain than I was before!

The acupressure mat works. I wholeheartedly endorse getting one. Heavenly makes them in different colors and sizes; some have more pointy bits and some have less. I think Blue is for wussy beginners, which is why I own it. I am both an acupressure beginner and a wuss. It's a perfect match. There's a foam pad inside the casing with the pointy bits on it -- the casing is fastened at the end with Velcro, so you can slide the pad in and out for spot cleaning if need be, or just roll up the pointy bits and stuff them in your luggage for space-saving travel.

If you are a cat owner, I suggest getting an acupressure mat even if you don't have back trouble -- watching kitty try to walk on all those spikes? That's some funny shit, right there. The facial expression, the way kitty will do a little hot-foot dance ... lowdown mean, but worth every. hilarious. penny.