Radio Frequency Identification: Perfect Hearing in a Loud World

So I have super-perfect hearing. I can hear so well, it's almost like my brain is equipped with sonar. I have aced every hearing test I have ever been given, even with frequencies outside the normal range of hearing for people. I can't walk right, I can't see right, but hot damn, I can hear. I also have a better sense of smell than your average Jane, which is not as enjoyable as it might sound. Yes, I can smell delicious food and freshly mown grass and other delightful things more intently than others can, but I can also smell cabbage boiling from 5 floors down and Dumpsters from a block away. (And am I bragging? You bet. It's not often I get the chance to be physically superior.) Supersonic hearing comes with its pitfalls too, although there are also several enjoyable things about it.

Cons:

1. I often hear things I could have happily gone my whole life without knowing. What has been heard cannot be unheard.

2. I never intentionally filter noises out, but it happens. Too much noise is too much noise. This automatic shut-off switch operates outside the realm of my will and enables me to be startled, and then to be teased about being startled, thus:

"Whaddya mean you didn't hear me sneaking up on you? I thought you could hear everything." Certain individuals have been informed that if they ever do this again, they will be harmed.

3. I.Can't.Stand.Clocks. Oh my god, the ticking and the tocking...!!!!

4. Ditto electronica or New Wave music, or live Rock; car and/or fire alarms;TELEPHONES (the lowest ring volume is never, ever low enough), and the annoying, mosquito-like whine of many appliances, which often does not bother those with standard hearing, but which drives me to distraction.

Sound can be painful. I'm sure you all know this. You know how your ears and head feel if you stand too close to a jackhammer or a jet engine? That's how it feels to encounter certain frequencies when you have perfect hearing. I have left venues grimacing and clawing at my head because someone played too high a note on an electric guitar. I have also had to risk being thought rude because I stop up the ear closest to the stage. I try to do this discreetly, under my hair, but sometimes people see. I have shrieked right along with the fire alarm -- that many decibels, straight to the brain? It's like something has crawled into my head and is tearing at my nerve endings. When I was at USI my apartment was right across the street from the storm siren, which was tested every Monday morning at 11. I quickly learned to be far, far away when this occurred. (Ever heard the term skull-splitting?)

A former girlfriend of mine was deaf in one ear. We had television volume wars:

"Jesus! I can hear that on the next block!"
"Huh?"

Perfect hearing: Pros

1. I can often tell what's around me even with my eyes shut, based on how objects displace the air around my ear.
   
2. I get to stupefy my friends by responding to dog whistles. I love doing this. It makes me feel so delightfully smug.
   
3. In the event of an emergency, I will hear a neighbor's over-the-door alarm or the elevator alarm long before anyone else does.
   
4. If you whisper about me as you're walking away, I will hear you. And I will shame you. And if you're the kind of person to do that, I will enjoy shaming you.
   
5. I'd make an excellent spy. Maybe I should hit up the NSA for a job. I could sit in a coffee shop with a newspaper and foil terrorist plots. 

Now I know why I can't get a job! I've been aiming too low! Excuse me while I go phone various branches of the federal government...